I haven’t felt much like writing this week. I have actually been feeling pretty down. The thing is, I’m pretty good at keeping my feelings inside. I think it comes from years of practice with hiding how bad I was feeling all of the time dealing with Crohn’s disease.
However, when it comes to writing, I have tried my best to be honest with myself and with everyone who comes across my blog. The Stolen Colon is the place that I wear my heart on my sleeve and do not care what anyone says. So obviously, that makes it difficult for me to keep those feelings buried.
I haven’t wanted to write because I knew that it would bring all of those feelings to the surface. I knew it would make me feel sad and disappointed… and a little like a failure. I knew it would make me think again about where I’m going with my life and why I can’t seem to get to where I want to be. And that’s how I feel in this moment. And I realize how tired I am of feeling like this.
But tomorrow, things are changing. I’m getting the chance to accomplish something that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time: going back to school. My orientation is first thing in the morning and I will get to meet the other students and professors. I feel like I’m getting the chance to take control of my life and move it in the direction that I want to go. There has been a lot that hasn’t gone the way I had hoped, so it’s nice to be starting something that I really want to do.
I do apologize in advance for the overload of grad school posts this week, but I have a feeling that between orientation, my first class and a department cookout, there will be a few of them.
So I want to take the opportunity to move past the disappointment and instead look forward to the next phase in my life. There’s a time for everything in this life, but now isn’t the time to be sad.