I don’t like not being able to accomplish the things that I set out to do. When I set my mind on something, I want to see it through, no matter what. I’m stubborn like that.
But I’m also realistic. I know that things aren’t always going to go the way that you planned. And more often than not you’re probably going to find that they don’t. There are also forces and powers in the universe that sometimes won’t allow you to do everything you plan on doing.
At the beginning of the year, I set out the goals I had for myself that I hoped to accomplish. They ranged from redesigning The Stolen Colon to making my bed EVERY day. I look through all of my goals and I feel happy with where I am at this point and how well I have followed through with them… except for one.
I wanted to complete my first full-sprint triathlon this year. But I have run into one issue after another in trying to accomplish this. The original plan was to do one in April or May, but my broken wrist held me up longer than I had hoped. Then obviously my surgery kept me out for June and July. So I thought, if I could start training even by the beginning of August, then I should be able to slip one in by the end of the season in October. But here we are, already half-way through August, and I haven’t been back on my bike or in the pool in months.
My doctor cleared me to get back to all of those things, but I just haven’t felt comfortable with it. Obviously, the bike is just going to have to wait because I don’t want to sit on it when I still have an open wound. And while the wound is doing much better, the idea of exposing it to chlorine and the germs in the water does not sit well with me.
I also know that even if I started training right now, it would be pushing myself too hard to get ready by October. It has been inevitable for a while but, but I am finally having to admit to myself that it’s not going to happen this year. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. In that post at the beginning of the year I said “This is the first year that I haven’t had to worry about what Crohn’s will throw at me or how it might hold me back from reaching my goals,” but I still feel like it has.
I think the only reason my wrist broke in December is because my bones are weaker from years of taking prednisone. I wouldn’t have been having surgery this year if I hadn’t had some issues pop up, including severe muscle pain and inflammation in my eye.
It’s hard letting go of the goals you have. It’s hard to feel like you are allowing your disease keep you from doing things. I think there are so many times in my past where I’ve been unable to do all the things that I wanted to because of Crohn’s, that the idea of giving up anything else really gets to me.
I have to remind myself that I still have my whole life in front of me. There will be plenty of time for triathlons or marathons or anything else that I decide I want to do. But for now, I’m kind of bummed.